So, last night was insane. We had our Coming Out Week Amateur Drag Show, which was fantastic. Everyone was really good, I especially loved Neil's, Chris's, Myca's, and Meg & Ken's performances. KEN MAKES SUCH A PRETTY GIRL. SO PRETTY. He didn't have a wig, they just curled his actual hair, and no one had any idea haha. Gen was there, I got to flirt with her and dance with her like mad. Christoph doesn't mind it at all hahaha. Brian picone was the host, it was so good. I really loved just dancing. And I got to dance with Christoph for the first time, it was absolutely amazing. After the show there was just music playing and the option to get up on stage and dance, I did and then I told him to join me, and I immediately got dizzy off stupid feelings <3

Anyways, so AFTER THE SHOW. After party at Christoph's. Bitches got DRUNK. Christoph gave me some Bailey's with milk, which is what he had given me last weekend too, but this time it was stronger. I was a little happy LMAO. Then Ken was like, Re can I make out with you, just for fun? And I was like, ask Christoph. And he didn't care lmao, he was like "ask Meg." And MEG GOT A VIDEO CAMERA LMAO. I was giggling the whole time, apparently I bit him. And apparently I'm aggressive. W/e, w/e. It was just silly.
anyways, so then I'm like...really tired. And Christoph makes me have some pizza and a lot of water before he lets me go lay down, which is good except I started feeling sick from having TOO MUCH food, and plus it was a drink made with milk. Bad bad bad. Anyways, I lay down for a while IMing TJ, and then I was trying to text Christoph and ask him to bring me some water, and my phone froze up and crashed. So I just went back downstairs, and everyone was a lot more drunk. Megan was just taking pictures of everyone and saying really stupid things. I was like "will you kiss me now," and she did, kinda enthusiastically, which is how you know she's gone because she won't if she's sober. (Which, I was completely fine at that point.) also. JAY WAS KISSING BOYS. I WAS SO HAPPY. SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY. This is my super-straight friend. He kissed Meg too lmao. It was funny. And then like, Ken was like "Jay and Re you need to kiss" and Christoph was like "fine by me" but I didn't really want to (I wasn't tipsy anymore lol. That makes a lot of difference. I can't kiss other guys then. Christoph's a guy. I bet if he hadn't been drinking he would have had a problem with it. He doesn't mind about girls though lmao.) So jay and I just hugged for a while. If any of you ever meet him, please don't tell him I mentioned him kissing boys lmao.
Aaaaaaanyways.
After a little more time everyone else went home and Christoph and I went to bed, and then I got woken up at like 9am to get picked up by my grandparents. And now I'm in their car on the way to my parents house. I HOPE I DON'T SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL LMAO.

i think one of my favorite things is that he always sings postal service and death cab to me. <3

I'm so happy with my life right now.
There are just a couple little things to work on ;D

I feel good. I'm happy. Events from last night and tonight make me happy.
I realize that most of the things I put on the internet are negative/sad/depressed/bitching, so I'm taking this moment to say: I'm good. In this moment, I'm good. I don't usually feel like posting when I feel good, I'd usually rather bask in the good feeling. So here's my happy post.

Wow, my life is so much less stressful when I'm not waiting on a phone call. I've been happier without worrying about why he hasn't called, whithout getting angry about not answering his phone...huh. I'm happier when I don't depend on someone else for my happiness. I guess that makes sense.

Physically sick. Because of the things that have happened in local and global news today. And it's the kind of thing where I don't want to hear anyone talk about anything else, either. It makes me feel sicker that the world keeps turning.
I just want to be close to people that I care about, feel like things are safe. I want everyone else who needs safety to be close to their loved ones too, I just want these communal nightmares to all me over.
Maryam sent me a link to the lj comm that's talking about it, I just don't even know...
I don't know what to say.
Please get better. Everything.

I forget why I logged onto LJ in the first place, I wasn't planning on touching a computer for anything other than work until Wednesday, but sure enough this morning I got out my grandmother's laptop for something and now I can't remember what it was.

Now I get to think about ausa, because Shelby tagged me in the note on facebook, added more info on LJ, and IMed/texted me about it...and I have to say I'm seriously considering it. As much as I really hated Katsu, I'm thinking about going to ausa. I just...I really don't want to pay registration? And like..hmm.

The other problem. The huge problem.
It's not money...I mean, it's in November, I can save up money over the summer, and I think I'm usually pretty good about not spending money during the winter so I'm not too worried about that.

It's Marvin. While I definitely want us to still be together by then, and I don't see us breaking up or anything, it just doesn't seem like a good idea to plan something all the way in November with him, and I also wouldn't want to plan to go without him, that would just be silly.

Preregistration prices go up on June 1st, and while I don't want to pay 35$ even I REALLY don't want to pay more than that. I would just not get a badge...but that seems like a bad idea to me. I really don't like the idea of being somewhere I'm not technically 'allowed' to be, I know people share badges blah blah whatever, but I just don't like the idea.

I don't know.

Also Marvin didn't call me this morning. I'm not upset, not too sad even, I guess I'm growing up/being mature/whatever you wanna call it. I'm just bothered that like...I can't exactly call him and talk to him about it right now...because...PRESUMABLY he's at school. Maybe. Who knows.

I just don't know what to do about all this.

EDIT: LOL GUISE JUNE FURST IZ 2DAY.
I called Marvin. He has the same sentiments as me, it's too far away, leaning towards not going, though our reasoning varies slightly.

Idk. We'll see.

I HATE MY COMPUTER SO MUCH.
WORK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

So I got the first A I've ever gotten in my college career.
It's in ENGL 201: Reading and Writing about Literature.
Kickass.

Visit http://bit.ly/reann and vote for Reann Ballslee to be on RuPaul's Drag Race? You can vote once every 24 hours for the next 50 days. It would be wonderful if you all could help out as much as possible. <3<3<3

I AM TOO BUSY FOR MY LIFE OH MY GOD HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN I DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING.
Life is just something that happens to me.

Memories are flooding.
I don't know who I want to talk to, who I want to believe in.
I can taste the changes, and I feel like winter.
I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a truck I haven't seen in years, I'm on my way to a school I shouldn't be going to, I'm going to see my friends that I won't remember.
I can feel the sketchbook in my hands, I can know I'm going to lose it in one of the many moves to come. I can feel the rumble of the engine as the truck keeps us warm while waiting for the bus on such a cold day. I can feel the buttons of my gameboy as I distracted myself from life and hid from consequences. I can taste the desire for knowledge, for love, for complacency. I feel as though I knew where I would end up. All my memories seem fluid and I'm remembering them out of order. I want to smell my autumn from one year while I remember the winter of the year before. I want to taste my springs, they taste like cupcakes, and I want to bring that to October. The months deserve to meet each other, they've been alone for so long. I can feel my loneliness as though it never left, as though this isn't a new experience but an extension of one that happened previously. I feel the same desire, the same fear, the same depression. I've lost my years and all sense of time, I'm twelve and confused.

This is a song that I sing when I'm scared of something, and somehow I get over it. The words of the song just move me along, and somehow I get over it.

There's a topic I've been thinking about a lot recently. It's very personal, but I want to share it with someone. I just don't know who. So in the meantime I'm going back to pen and paper and documenting my life in that manner.

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He says, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

Will is in the hospital. I've known this for a few days but my optimistic self shrugged it off. After all, what are doctors for if not to help people get better? However, apparently he only has a few days to live. I just found out via text message from my mother. Then she said that she got word he was stable so she really doesn't know what's going on either, and she just wanted to pass on the information that she had even though it goes full circle to not knowing anything.

Charlene is already in Kentucky to be there at the hospital, she left early this morning. My mother only told Chris the news about 45 minutes ago, so he's still mulling it over and doesn't yet know if he is going to head back out to Kentucky this weekend. My mother still hasn't made reservations or sent out email messages for my family birthday lunch on Saturday, so I think that's getting canceled. Part of me wants to go out to Kentucky with them but that is a very very small part. Mostly I want to go to sleep and hide from everything, pretend nothing is happening. I don't know how I feel right now and don't know how to come to terms with my feelings.

Now I just got another text saying that she doesn't want to disappoint me by canceling the birthday lunch. What am I supposed to say to that? I'm just going to ignore it. I've been ignoring most of the texts I've gotten in the past few days.

EDIT: Now she just changed the subject to mighty mango naked juice. idk wtf...is happening.

+EDIT: I didn't go to 747 because I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I end up sitting alone in the office crying anyways. awesome.

++EDIT: I have to give a presentation tomorrow, and I have an exam tomorrow, and I am seriously about to implode.

Pangeaaaaa we used to be together, why'd we have to drift apart?

I'm so upset that I didn't get my phone call last night. And this morning when I got a phone call I said I had to go back to sleep and didn't even get to talk. I feel like such a bitch. I think I'm perpetuating as many or more issues than I am solving them. And that sentence doesn't seem grammatically correct and I don't know how to fix it. I really want to get some good quality sleep. I just wish that I had the time to do everything I want to do, I wish I had more time to spend with the people that I need to spend time with.

I have a multitude of assignments to do. I have a history project that needs to be done by tonight, that's my main goal for today. Tomorrow I need to prepare my presentation on _The Sea Change_, read ahead in english, catch up on reading in history, complete my new history activity day assignment, and study for my geology exam. All of those things need to be done by thursday.

Tomorrow night is also the 747 pride event, if I can't make it to any other pride events before then I need to at least do that. Oh, and I have to work one hour today and two tomorrow. And I just remembered that the paperwork I need to bring to work is in my dorm, so I guess I need to run back over there after this class. I need to talk to the bookstore about that work schedule as well.

Once I'm done with my classes on thursday, my life should calm down a little bit. Thursday is my birthday, and I have 48692 assignments due haha. On friday I am meeting with a small number of close friends for birthday lunch, then there is the drag show and after party in the evening. After that late late late night I need to somehow be awake in time to meet with some family and family friends in gainesville for a birthday lunch. I'm spending saturday night in winchester, and then I have to somehow convince my mom not to freak out when I leave sooner rather than later on sunday, but I want to get back here for some quality relaxation time before my next hectic week.

I really just want to go take a nap. I don't know why it is so hard for me to deal with responsibility, and I don't know how I'm going to be successfull in life. /:

I've been too stressed and busy to even talk on the phone with someone that means an awful lot to me. This makes me feel very poorly about myself.

I don't know if I really have the right to be sad about it.

I often feel like I don't have any friends.
I mean, there are the people I confide in and really really need to talk to every day, you know who you are.
And there are the friends that I don't talk to as often, but when we're back together again it's like we never left. You know who you are too.
But there are also some "friends" that I really wish I was closer to, wish I could hang out with. The people that I hear about going out and get depressed about the fact that I don't get invited.
I don't think it's right of me to feel that way, but...I don't know. I wish I had a group that I could go out with all the time like I used to.


No I don't hate you, don't wanna fight you, you know I'll always love you but right now I just dont like you.

I have a massive headache.
I'm at TJ's house with a massive headache.
I ate more than half a pineapple pizza, first time I've had pizza in aaaages. <333
I have a lot of hours at work this week, and classes start.
I've been stressed out about math, hardcore. We'll see how that goes.
I...am done writing. I want to sleep.

Dear Math Placement Exam,
I wish you the bubonic plague.
Regards,
Marie Lianne

The past couple of days have been a completely new experience for me. I've been exposed to numerous new things via the internet. I've been stressed out over a few different things, and I'm just overwhelmed with life right now. I'm not sure about my job, and various other things like that. School is going to start again soon, and I have no idea how that is going to go. I dont even know what to say now. peace.

so i woke up to this phone call. someone wanting to know if i would sell her my ticket to the show tonight. are you serious? there's a reason i get tickets to see shows. also, i rarely ever actually get to go to shows. i've been to what, three this year? how often do you go, every week or something else absurd? and how did you know that i'm going? this is so...frustrating. it's really not that important for you to be at every single show that plays. go to school or something. i hate this town.

what was that book?
with the emails?
maybe it was pdktf
but i dont remember.

i had a creative writing assignment in english today.
im actually kinda proud of the end result.
i would post it,
but it ended up being kinda personal.
<3

compound interest. in math class.
models growth of money, growth of populations...
why is there no simple model for what i am feeling?
life is so complex, there is no one way to define it.
i wrote a story this morning, i love it and kind of wish
that it wasn't fiction.
i like to think of how things could be different,
but i know that even they had i would have
made the same decisions.
my heart is heavy.
i dont feel much,
but i like to think that if i did
i would feel something beautiful.

oh, dear.
i don't like this.
i don't like this at all.

it's a little after three in the morning.
i have something that needs to be emailed to my professor by 9:30.
i recently concluded a chat session that lasted quite a few hours.
that chat session....was amazing.
it was amazing three times.

at any rate....um.
im so completely not depressed right now.
it's an amazing feeling.

im feeling pretty confident.
(this is what you do for me! you make me smile
and you make me feel good about myself!)