i am the biggest hypocrite

-genderfuck/identity issues
-taking things personally
-school stress
-townhouse/living situation
-various friendships

Today sucks ;___; it is not even 9:30........today sucks. I had to wake up early to go to a driver improvement clinic. Which, whatever. But I woke up and kept feeling random bugs in my hands. Which were not there. Which is creepy. Then I load my comp to check the address and the internet sucks. So that takes forever. I finally get the address and go to the car and ...... the end of the cord, the part you plug into the car, is sitting in the little panera cup of water that has been sitting in my car. Except the water is ice. So I have a plug covered in ice. And I banged most of the ice off but it is of course still unusable. And my gps fails and doesn't work unless it is plugged in. Well, I don't have gps on my phone but I can look up directions, so I tried doing that. And my phone froze up. So I'm in my car crying but I'm like, I know the area well enough, I'll figure it out based on the address. And that doesn't really work. So at like, 9:05 I call and am like. I'm lost. Then I finally get to the place.
And getting out of the car I hit my head. Then I get close to the building and realize I left my glasses in the car and I'm wearing my sunglasses. And when I go back I hit my shoulder opening the door. I just. Meh.

This is a song that I sing when I'm scared of something.

I'm a horrible girlfriend, I'm fucking insane, and I really need to get the fuck out of here.

GUYS I SUCK AT READING MY FLIST
i am sorry
i will try to be better

So, last night was insane. We had our Coming Out Week Amateur Drag Show, which was fantastic. Everyone was really good, I especially loved Neil's, Chris's, Myca's, and Meg & Ken's performances. KEN MAKES SUCH A PRETTY GIRL. SO PRETTY. He didn't have a wig, they just curled his actual hair, and no one had any idea haha. Gen was there, I got to flirt with her and dance with her like mad. Christoph doesn't mind it at all hahaha. Brian picone was the host, it was so good. I really loved just dancing. And I got to dance with Christoph for the first time, it was absolutely amazing. After the show there was just music playing and the option to get up on stage and dance, I did and then I told him to join me, and I immediately got dizzy off stupid feelings <3

Anyways, so AFTER THE SHOW. After party at Christoph's. Bitches got DRUNK. Christoph gave me some Bailey's with milk, which is what he had given me last weekend too, but this time it was stronger. I was a little happy LMAO. Then Ken was like, Re can I make out with you, just for fun? And I was like, ask Christoph. And he didn't care lmao, he was like "ask Meg." And MEG GOT A VIDEO CAMERA LMAO. I was giggling the whole time, apparently I bit him. And apparently I'm aggressive. W/e, w/e. It was just silly.
anyways, so then I'm like...really tired. And Christoph makes me have some pizza and a lot of water before he lets me go lay down, which is good except I started feeling sick from having TOO MUCH food, and plus it was a drink made with milk. Bad bad bad. Anyways, I lay down for a while IMing TJ, and then I was trying to text Christoph and ask him to bring me some water, and my phone froze up and crashed. So I just went back downstairs, and everyone was a lot more drunk. Megan was just taking pictures of everyone and saying really stupid things. I was like "will you kiss me now," and she did, kinda enthusiastically, which is how you know she's gone because she won't if she's sober. (Which, I was completely fine at that point.) also. JAY WAS KISSING BOYS. I WAS SO HAPPY. SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY. This is my super-straight friend. He kissed Meg too lmao. It was funny. And then like, Ken was like "Jay and Re you need to kiss" and Christoph was like "fine by me" but I didn't really want to (I wasn't tipsy anymore lol. That makes a lot of difference. I can't kiss other guys then. Christoph's a guy. I bet if he hadn't been drinking he would have had a problem with it. He doesn't mind about girls though lmao.) So jay and I just hugged for a while. If any of you ever meet him, please don't tell him I mentioned him kissing boys lmao.
Aaaaaaanyways.
After a little more time everyone else went home and Christoph and I went to bed, and then I got woken up at like 9am to get picked up by my grandparents. And now I'm in their car on the way to my parents house. I HOPE I DON'T SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL LMAO.

i think one of my favorite things is that he always sings postal service and death cab to me. <3

I'm so happy with my life right now.
There are just a couple little things to work on ;D

I feel good. I'm happy. Events from last night and tonight make me happy.
I realize that most of the things I put on the internet are negative/sad/depressed/bitching, so I'm taking this moment to say: I'm good. In this moment, I'm good. I don't usually feel like posting when I feel good, I'd usually rather bask in the good feeling. So here's my happy post.

Wow, my life is so much less stressful when I'm not waiting on a phone call. I've been happier without worrying about why he hasn't called, whithout getting angry about not answering his phone...huh. I'm happier when I don't depend on someone else for my happiness. I guess that makes sense.

Physically sick. Because of the things that have happened in local and global news today. And it's the kind of thing where I don't want to hear anyone talk about anything else, either. It makes me feel sicker that the world keeps turning.
I just want to be close to people that I care about, feel like things are safe. I want everyone else who needs safety to be close to their loved ones too, I just want these communal nightmares to all me over.
Maryam sent me a link to the lj comm that's talking about it, I just don't even know...
I don't know what to say.
Please get better. Everything.

I forget why I logged onto LJ in the first place, I wasn't planning on touching a computer for anything other than work until Wednesday, but sure enough this morning I got out my grandmother's laptop for something and now I can't remember what it was.

Now I get to think about ausa, because Shelby tagged me in the note on facebook, added more info on LJ, and IMed/texted me about it...and I have to say I'm seriously considering it. As much as I really hated Katsu, I'm thinking about going to ausa. I just...I really don't want to pay registration? And like..hmm.

The other problem. The huge problem.
It's not money...I mean, it's in November, I can save up money over the summer, and I think I'm usually pretty good about not spending money during the winter so I'm not too worried about that.

It's Marvin. While I definitely want us to still be together by then, and I don't see us breaking up or anything, it just doesn't seem like a good idea to plan something all the way in November with him, and I also wouldn't want to plan to go without him, that would just be silly.

Preregistration prices go up on June 1st, and while I don't want to pay 35$ even I REALLY don't want to pay more than that. I would just not get a badge...but that seems like a bad idea to me. I really don't like the idea of being somewhere I'm not technically 'allowed' to be, I know people share badges blah blah whatever, but I just don't like the idea.

I don't know.

Also Marvin didn't call me this morning. I'm not upset, not too sad even, I guess I'm growing up/being mature/whatever you wanna call it. I'm just bothered that like...I can't exactly call him and talk to him about it right now...because...PRESUMABLY he's at school. Maybe. Who knows.

I just don't know what to do about all this.

EDIT: LOL GUISE JUNE FURST IZ 2DAY.
I called Marvin. He has the same sentiments as me, it's too far away, leaning towards not going, though our reasoning varies slightly.

Idk. We'll see.

I HATE MY COMPUTER SO MUCH.
WORK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

So I got the first A I've ever gotten in my college career.
It's in ENGL 201: Reading and Writing about Literature.
Kickass.

Visit http://bit.ly/reann and vote for Reann Ballslee to be on RuPaul's Drag Race? You can vote once every 24 hours for the next 50 days. It would be wonderful if you all could help out as much as possible. <3<3<3

I AM TOO BUSY FOR MY LIFE OH MY GOD HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN I DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING.
Life is just something that happens to me.

Memories are flooding.
I don't know who I want to talk to, who I want to believe in.
I can taste the changes, and I feel like winter.
I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a truck I haven't seen in years, I'm on my way to a school I shouldn't be going to, I'm going to see my friends that I won't remember.
I can feel the sketchbook in my hands, I can know I'm going to lose it in one of the many moves to come. I can feel the rumble of the engine as the truck keeps us warm while waiting for the bus on such a cold day. I can feel the buttons of my gameboy as I distracted myself from life and hid from consequences. I can taste the desire for knowledge, for love, for complacency. I feel as though I knew where I would end up. All my memories seem fluid and I'm remembering them out of order. I want to smell my autumn from one year while I remember the winter of the year before. I want to taste my springs, they taste like cupcakes, and I want to bring that to October. The months deserve to meet each other, they've been alone for so long. I can feel my loneliness as though it never left, as though this isn't a new experience but an extension of one that happened previously. I feel the same desire, the same fear, the same depression. I've lost my years and all sense of time, I'm twelve and confused.

This is a song that I sing when I'm scared of something, and somehow I get over it. The words of the song just move me along, and somehow I get over it.

There's a topic I've been thinking about a lot recently. It's very personal, but I want to share it with someone. I just don't know who. So in the meantime I'm going back to pen and paper and documenting my life in that manner.